


unanswered thoughts

by lookslikerain



Category: MIU404
Genre: Comfort, Hugs, M/M, so many hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:47:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26163622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookslikerain/pseuds/lookslikerain
Summary: It’s three in the morning in an empty back alley behind a similarly empty bar, with quiet distinct voices looming around, and it all feels unreal; it’s so fitting of them.This vulnerability Ibuki’s willing to show and ask for, there has been no better timing to convey it than now.
Relationships: Shima Kazumi/Ibuki Ai
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	unanswered thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime between episode 8 and 9.
> 
> I got the idea for this after episode 6 aired then episode 8 happened and broke me down and made me cry in so many ways. I'm only editing this and posting it now because I'm avoiding episode 10 spoilers until I get to watch it later tonight.

The glass whirls in his hand, the remainder of his drink swirling and crashing against the ice, and Ibuki lifts his glass up to his eyesight. He doesn’t drink, simply whirls it again, eyes fixated on the ice clinking against the glass, and whirling around with his drink.

“Shima, does it all make sense?”

Shima watches Ibuki as he whirls the glass once more and looks down at his own glass, half full and ice cubes still intact.

“Sometimes and sometimes not.” With an unsatisfied hum coming from Ibuki, Shima lifts up his glass to his lips and adds, “But that applies for everything, doesn’t it?”

Ibuki goes quiet for a moment, holding his glass in place, and Shima takes a sip of his own drink.

“Then, how do we decide that?” Ibuki quiets down but Shima doesn’t interrupt. He’s known Ibuki for a while now, but in this short period they’ve been assigned as partners and have gotten familiar with one another, he’s grown acquainted with his speech patterns, instantly able to discern by his voice gradually getting quieter that his mind was still racing, still coming up with the right words, and still having more to say. 

So Shima waits patiently, placing his glass down and focuses on the condensation formed around the glass as the water droplets roll down at a slow steady speed. The bartender is at the other end of the bar wiping the counter quietly, leaving him and Ibuki in their own world for now.

Neither of them have been to this bar before, but somehow it felt right for today. Choosing a relatively small quiet bar in a tiny nook with only a few other customers besides them. Though by now the bar’s empty, the dull lightning present only for them, and Shima’s somehow finding comfort in it and for this solitude.

“Where does it start and where does it end?”

Ibuki continues just as the bartender passes by them to the back room and Shima holds himself back from ordering another drink.

“I don’t know.”

Ibuki’s shoulders slump downwards, whining far too loudly in the empty bar. He follows it by dropping his head atop the counter while Shima’s instinctively quick to drag Ibuki’s glass aside, concerned Ibuki will accidentally end up breaking it with his sudden chaotic movements heightened by his tipsiness. He tries not to dwell much over how familiar Ibuki’s gotten, attuned to his instincts, nor over this sudden thumping of his heart at the thought.

“You’re supposed to answer my question, Shima-chan.”

“I  _ did _ .”

“And it was terrible. You always give better answers. Redo it. I want a better answer.” Ibuki whines again when Shima shakes his head.

“That’s the only answer you’re getting.”

Ibuki pouts, eyes staring pointedly at Shima. Shima ignores him, swallowing the remainder of his drink and stares ahead blankly, even when Ibuki remains restless beside him.

Eventually, just as Shima’s about to voice out it’s about time they leave, Ibuki settles down and speaks in a quiet voice, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Huh?”

“Since you’re not giving me an answer, I’m answering myself.”

“If you’re answering yourself then it means there’s no need to ask me.”

“It doesn’t matter if we don’t know where it starts or ends.” Ibuki interrupts instead and as much as he’s tempted to continue the futile argument, Shima lets out a quiet breath in defeat, giving up and letting Ibuki have his way. It’s always easier and quicker this way.

“Okay, what makes you say that?”

Ibuki shuts his eyes, humming thoughtfully, while pressing his cheek further against the counter. Shima’s glad he witnessed the bartender wiping the counter not too long ago, otherwise god knows what drinks would have been spilt there on the counter that Ibuki’s willingly pressing his face against.

“Experience? Hmm, no. I sound too pretentious saying that.” Ibuki hums again before finally fluttering his eyes open, “From everything I’ve noticed, I realised that. It’s not just my experiences. It’s just how it is. One thing leads to another and everything becomes this mess of choices and decisions we end up labelling it as our lives.”

Shima blinks at Ibuki’s proud smile, “So when you’re drunk you know how to speak?”

Ibuki’s eyes flicker, “Aww, did I make Shima-chan go ‘ _ ufufu _ ’—”

“I take it back.”

“You need to stop saying that!” Ibuki complains, voice leaning towards a whine despite his smile, but Shima bites back a smile of his own.

They’re left in a few moments of silence as Ibuki sits straight and adds, “It’s like what you said. All decisions we make or not make are switches that lead us to the life we have. And if one switch leads to another, then doesn’t that mean they’re all connected? If that’s so, then it doesn’t matter where one decision begins and where the other ends, right?”

It runs through his mind, that one particular thought he’s been agonizing himself over, but he stops himself from uttering it. It’ll only sour the mood. Besides, he can sense from the way Ibuki’s tapping his feet impatiently he’s still got more to say.

Shima does wonder though if Ibuki can feel it, that there’s this lingering thought hovering over him, because all it takes is just a second for him to firmly place his feet down, rubbing his eyes, and mutters out, “Ah, I’m tired.”

He nods his head in agreement just as the bartender steps out the backroom.

“We should get going.”

* * *

The 3am air’s dry and the sky’s dark, while the street’s empty, solely illuminated by the dim streetlights. 

It’s relatively quiet, save from the distinct sounds and noises coming from a distance, and Shima’s eyes drift to Ibuki beside him. He’s staring ahead with that blank expression in his eyes, quiet and unmoving, and uncharacteristic.

It makes Shima restless, hands clenching and unclenching, and looking around aimlessly, awaiting a word, just a single word, for Ibuki to utter as they continue standing here, just a few steps away from the bar hidden in the back alley.

Ibuki stares down at his shoes, sighing heavily, “We should get going, right?”

There’s something about his voice that causes this sudden tightness in Shima’s chest. The way it came out so quiet and...disappointed. It makes his stomach clench, guilt creeping upon him, for not realising how obvious he is and for forgetting for a moment how observant Ibuki is.

Of course he’d notice the sudden change in Shima’s demeanour towards the end, the heavy thoughts in his mind reappearing, and Ibuki had been hopeful in awaiting Shima to utter his thoughts.

It’s three in the morning in an empty back alley behind a similarly empty bar, with quiet distinct voices looming around, and it all feels unreal; it’s so fitting of them.

This vulnerability Ibuki’s willing to show and ask for, there has been no better timing to convey it than now.

Shima shifts on his feet, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jacket, and despite the sudden thickness in his throat mumbles out, “Can I ask a question this time?”

Ibuki lifts up his head, eyes directly staring at Shima, “Hmm?”

“It’s what you were talking about before.” Shima lets out a small breath, avoiding Ibuki’s stare, and swallows the lump in his throat, “All these switches in our lives, do the what-if scenarios count as one of those switches?”

Shima pauses and he parts his lips, ready to utter out the rest of his thoughts when Ibuki beats him to it, “Like, ‘ _ Had I noticed it earlier _ ’, ‘ _ Had I stepped in earlier and stopped it _ ?’”

He whips his head around instantly, eyes meeting Ibuki’s and freezes in his spot. Ibuki hadn’t been guessing Shima’s thoughts; it’s telling with his wide curious eyes, desperate for an answer of his own, and Shima realises Ibuki wasn’t uttering out his thoughts or Shima’s thoughts; he was uttering out both of their unanswered thoughts.

“I don’t know.”

It’s an answer uttered by them both and Ibuki’s forced quiet chuckle clenches his heart. He looks down, kicking his foot against the ground with no real intent behind it, and Shima lets out a long breath.

“How do you manage to live with that? How do you let it not break you?”

Shima doesn’t answer, glancing at Ibuki again, and notices the way he huffs out a breath.

He doesn’t have an answer to that. No words will ever be enough.

“So even Shima-chan can’t answer it, huh.” Ibuki rambles on at Shima’s quietness, “Because usually you’d have an answer, even if it’s a ridiculous one like before you’d still have one. But you don’t. Maybe it doesn’t have an answer, or maybe you don’t want to answer me? Which one is it? Can you answer that at least?”

Ibuki clenches his hand, fingernails biting into his palms, and Shima’s eyes soften at the sight.

“Ibuki.” He calls out, voice coming out softer than he intended and immediately clears his throat, “Ibuki.”

“What? You’ll finally respond?” Ibuki grumbles out, voice not holding any malice or bite.

Shima tries to answer him, yet his mind short circuits and there are no words to utter. It takes him what seems to be an eternity yet his mind’s blank and he realises there isn’t anything he can say.

But, there’s something he can do.

So he steps forward.

Shima wraps his arms around Ibuki, closing off any distance between them and feels the way Ibuki flinches, stiffening at the sudden display of affection, especially taking into account the initiator of the hug but relaxes instantly. It should be awkward, considering their height difference, but the way Ibuki shifts just slightly and enough to drop his head atop Shima’s shoulder, even when his arms are still by his sides makes it work.

Shima isn’t sure what it is, but it’s only now that he realises how symbolic this hug is of them.

Their partnership at its best is generally viewed as awkward and unfitting, but they make it work—they always make it work— _ just like this hug _ , he thinks. It’s a bit of a cliche thing to say that your partner should have your back and while by now he can testify it applies to them similarly, Shima can’t help but feel as if it doesn’t really suit them; rather than behind one another, he and Ibuki will always be  _ besides _ each other.

“Having these thoughts is normal.” Shima says, voice leaning towards a whisper, “It makes us realise what’s important and the importance of our choices ahead. We’ll always have them running through our minds as reminders while we try again.”

A few moments pass before Ibuki shifts his head slightly so his voice doesn’t come out entirely muffled, “...but how do you live with that? How do you manage?”

Ibuki’s voice sounded small and vulnerable, unsure but still in an urge for an answer, and Shima knows what’s going on through his mind; knows  _ who _ he’s thinking of.

He doesn’t know the right answer and he’s still in need of an answer of his own. It’s the first thought that goes through his mind, but he stops himself halfway when the reality of the situation dawns upon him and makes him realise it isn’t true.

_ He has his answer now. _

“You find someone you can rely on. Someone you can share these thoughts with so both of you will have each other to rely on while you both try again.”

Ibuki hesitantly lifts his arms to wrap them weakly around Shima’s waist, still wrapped up in Shima’s arm, and his voice is quiet and unsure, yet hopeful as he murmurs out, “Someone I can rely on?”

For the first time tonight, Shima allows himself to smile. While it strikes him it might be unfair for Ibuki who’s letting out all his thoughts and feelings on display, he allows his vulnerability to be displayed in the way he tightens his hold on Ibuki and the way he doesn’t mind how soft his voice comes out, “Someone like your partner.”

Ibuki lets out a long shaky breath and grumbles in a quiet playful voice, “You know, you always call me an idiot so you should have explained it better, because is that what you’re advising me or what you’ve realised?”

Shima chuckles, patting Ibuki’s back, and hopes it removes any of Ibuki’s hesitancy when he answers him, “It’s both.”

It’s instant, the way Ibuki tightens his arms around Shima yet practically goes lax in his arms, hiding his face further against his shoulder, and Shima welcomes it. He holds him impossibly closer, relishing in the way how right it seems, how their bodies complement one another, and the comfort Ibuki’s warmth gives him.

He stills himself, shutting his eyes, and holds back a shiver when he feels Ibuki’s warm breath against his neck. Like this, standing still, he can feel his breath and it fills Shima up with the comfort he’d been in the dire need of. It makes him feel alive more than he has in so long. Because if he had to translate it, his breaths meant Ibuki’s well and alive in his arms. And that for him is all he needs to ease his heart.

_ Ibuki was his answer after all. _

“Shima-chan, can I ask one more question?” Ibuki hums, voice playful as usual. Shima smiles again at how light his voice seems now and slowly pulls back.

“What is it?” 

Ibuki doesn’t lean backwards entirely, remaining in his arms, and doesn’t break eye contact as he brightly adds, “Your hugs are surprisingly good. Can I ask for more hugs from now on?”

Shima stares at him pointedly, “I take back what I said.”

Ibuki’s grinning, laughing brightly despite the way Shima shakes his head disapprovingly at him. He ignores it and gradually rests his chin back onto Shima’s shoulder. 

“Fine, I won’t ask.” Ibuki hums, arms finding their way around Shima’s waist again, “I’ll just wait for them.”

“That’s implying I’m agreeing to this.” Shima argues, despite the way his actions contradict his words with the way he continues holding Ibuki in his arms.

“Hmm, are you against it,  _ buddy _ ?” Ibuki hums out, emphasizing that particular word that has Shima tightening his hold.

“No.” Shima smiles at Ibuki’s quiet pleased hum, “Not at all, buddy.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to generally discuss/cry over miu404 with me, you can find me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/ohnobluee)


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